I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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