I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
