Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
