I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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