any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
