Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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