literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
