I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
