I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Someone signed my nipple.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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