He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
