I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
