it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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