i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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