Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
