I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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