I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
