I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
