P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
