last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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