An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
