I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
