The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
