i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
