Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
