is your mom at the bar?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
