Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
