Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
