I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
