Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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