Only a mothe r could love this liver
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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