Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
