my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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