If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
