You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
