you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
