I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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