Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
cat food counts as protein by the way
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
