There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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