Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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