The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
