You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
