i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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