I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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