at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
