brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
