sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
