When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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