I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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