I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
