I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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