We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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