How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
