We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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