So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
kristin has been a bad kristin
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
