Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
