the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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