We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
