I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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