Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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