so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
