she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
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well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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