Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
