Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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