You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
